Jean H.

August 31, 2010

Can My Husband and I Still Make It Work?

Hi Ryan,

I hope that you can help me! I have been with my SO for almost 20 years and we have 3 kids together (the youngest is 3). We were split for one year and when we got back together I got pregnant with our third child right away (not intentionally). That was almost 4 years ago. Needless to say we never got to try to repair our relationship and devote the time to it that was needed to make it more solid. A lot of things came out on both ends that were painful and we did not treat each other well in many ways - our trust and respect for each other was badly damaged. My SO just turned 40 and now feels that we are not good together and if we did not have it right before, we have "wasted" enough time and it will never be right. We talked about trying living separately for a little while and seeing how things would go and taking things slow. Than an old friend contacted him from the state he grew up in and has been pursuing him for almost 2 years and told him he is the one who got away and how in love with him she is. She liked him when they were younger but never did anything about it because she was dating his friend. She just turned 40 also and is in a marriage she is miserable in and wants out and also has 3 kids of her own, (all 3 are teenagers). She has been aggressively pursuing him and when I have said things to him about it he just gets angry with me and tells me that I put that weakness in our relationship when I broke our home up for the year we were apart and it was never fixed when we got back together because of all of the other things going on including a newborn (that he did not want) and now it's too late. So basically she stepped into a very fragile situation and has made things 100% worse and harder between my SO and I. We have a history together that has a lot of pain, resentment, and forgiveness that needs to be healed, while she is a clean slate and fun and exciting to him as well as an empathetic ear. She has even told him that she just wants him to be happy no matter what -- that she loves him that much and if anyone gets hurts, she wants it to be her, which makes it appear that she is a "better person" but seems like BS to me; just another way to make herself look better to him since she knows he is confused on what he wants and is on the fence. He has told her he does not love her but has feelings for me and for her and that he just wants to be happy and is tired of being miserable. The qualities he doesn't like in me and has complained about, she seems not to have. I am at a loss on how to get my SO to not view me as the enemy, and I would really like to try to start over with him and build a strong foundation for our home -- for us and for our children -- but how is that possible if his doubts that were already there are now reinforced by her? What can I do? I want to compromise and try to meet his needs but he shuts me out and it does not help that she is tempting him when he is miserable and does not believe that anything will ever change between us. Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated and thanks very much for your time!

Hey Jean,

This is obviously a difficult situation with a lot of hurt emotions and things from the past affecting your current relationship. The addition of this woman from his past obviously isn't making things any easier. The main problem sounds like your husband is confused and doesn't exactly know what he wants. You have a very clear idea of what you are looking for, which is to start over and work out these problems from the past. That's a respectable and admirable goal. Marriage counseling would be extremely beneficial considering the amount of baggage in this relationship. With the commitment of both of you it is often possible to make most relationships work. However, he needs to be on the same page.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything you can "do" to make his decision more clear to him, or get him on the same page. If he is confused, the last thing you want to do is push him to make a decision that he is not ready to make. That tends to breed resentment. You also don't want to engage in some type of unspoken competition for your husband with this other woman, because your husband needs to love you and want to be with you for who you are, not for what you have to offer over this other person.

The only thing you really have control over in this situation is yourself. You don't have to sit in limbo while he takes his time with this. If you've had enough, you can ask for space, or separation. Sometimes that's what a person actually needs to see things more clearly. If you can hang in there longer while he figures this out, that's okay too. However, there's not going to be a trick to make him see that he should be with you. He needs to decide that for himself, and then commit to it 100%, which would probably mean cutting off contact with this other woman. If that's something he's not willing to do, or a decision he can't make, then you'll have to handle the situation accordingly for yourself.

Hang in there Jean, sounds like you've got some real tough decisions on your hands. Feel free to contact me if you would like to talk more about it.